I’m not sure how to begin this blog post. There are a lot of things I could say, but I’m not sure how. I should be quite grateful for my relatively good health. My j-pouch has been good to me. And continues to be. I still deal with a fistula they say is inoperable. But I’m managing pretty well… mostly. I have a beautiful, healthy three-year-old. My husband continues to stand by my side and has shown no signs of wavering in his commitment to me. But if I’m honest with myself, I’m not ok and have not been for quite some time. So, perhaps I should begin this blog post with the start of the year 2020… the year everyone’s world began crumbling.
The Nightmare of 2020
Twenty-twenty began with the hope of new beginnings for the Ninja family. My husband got a new job, we began a big move and things had a lot of promise. We all know how 2020 played out, though. In the early part of the year COVID-19 hit us all hard. We sheltered in place, self-isolated, we stopped going to church, stopped eating out, masked up, washed our hands until they were cracked and raw, we stopped meeting with the people we love… life shut down completely. Some people followed all the advice perfectly, while others did not. The opinions about what we should be doing ran the gamut. Confusion set in. Fear took hold. Disagreements over protocols burned viciously. They still do. Even the “experts” don’t agree OR they flip-flop!
People turned against each other. If someone disagreed with another person on how things ought to be done they didn’t agree to disagree. They resorted to name calling, shaming, accusations and in many instances, they stopped speaking and communicating altogether… severing friendships forever. Yes. This happened to me. I was chewed out and shamed because I didn’t use my “platform” to tell others what they ought to be doing and didn’t try to persuade others how they ought to think. But that’s not who Colitis Ninja is. That isn’t what IBD awareness is about. I lost a best friend in the craziness of last year–over a disagreement! In many different ways I lost friends…
Isolation and Sorrow
One of my favorite teachers in college passed away, alone, isolated due to COVID-19, blind and nearly deaf in a nursing home. He was a people person and I’m convinced that the solitude killed him. Moving during 2020 turned out to be the nightmare of nightmares. In the move, I lost my biggest support system. My BEST best friend who lived down the street, and my next door neighbor who was like a third grandmother to my daughter. I lost my church family. And my “mom friends”. I thought it would be no big deal to form new friendships… because I was determined to do so. But the shutdowns prevented any sort of meaningful social interaction.
We couldn’t shake hands with new acquaintances. We couldn’t hug our loved ones or visit loved ones as we pleased. I haven’t seen my grandparents in over a year. We couldn’t gaze upon smiling faces because, OH! There’s a mask there. Please know that this post isn’t meant to spark a debate or argue for or against social distancing, no-contact, or mask wearing. I’m just writing this post to vent and tell you where I am mentally. People say, “Oh, but you can video conference each other by FaceTime or Zoom…” But you know what??? That’s not the same as sitting in a café at a small circular table with your best friend sipping lattes, while your toddler jumps from your lap to hers laughing and playing like children should.
Divisions and Disunity
No, instead our homes became like prisons. Our only real outlet and connection to the world became social media. Even that became unbearable as we watched people argue relentlessly over COVID-19 protocols, politics and other heated social issues of the day. I watched friends accuse each other of horrible things. Many of which were not true… only based on assumptions–OR based on a person’s silence on the issues of the day… Which isn’t fair, if you ask me.
When the lockdown restrictions began to ease a little, we finally found a new home and I thought I’d be able to breathe a sigh of relief. But then second and third lockdowns began. And then the election happened and Lord have mercy, things started going to hell in a hand basket. Not only were people divided politically either right or left, but even people on the same side began arguing and bickering. More people cut ties. More friendships down the drain. Social media arguments are more stressful and heartbreaking than ever. People are trying to cancel each other over disagreements which I also think is unfair and frankly disgusting. What happened to debates and agreeing to disagree? Why, oh why, can’t we listen to both sides of the issues and MAKE UP OUR OWN MINDS about things???
Brokenness
I don’t like what I see. My heart is broken, smashed to pieces over the hatred and division. I have NEVER cared where people stood politically, socially or any of the divisive categories in which we put one another. I love people from all backgrounds, nationalities, religions and races. But the anger and derision has become unbearable. Social media is no longer a place of solace for me… not with all the divisions and furious discourse. I’ve not been on social media as much as I once was. Because there is no peace there. I’ve been retreating to other things. I’ve been reading more. Praying more. I’ve been slowly working on the graphic novel when I’ve been in the right mood.
Some people may not like what I have to say here. And that’s fine. I’m not writing to please other people. I’m writing to express my frustrations for the sake of my own sanity. There may be some out there who will call for me to be canceled. But you know what? I don’t care about that anymore either. Because I’m not the only one who thinks or feels this way. And if we truly care about the mental sanity and stability of our fellow human beings we will NOT try to silence them. We will give them the platforms to speak and vent their frustrations (preferably civilly and respectfully!). Trying to shut the other side out of the conversation is not good for anyone. We won’t resolve or accomplish ANYTHING by trying to shut others up. It’s only by listening, TRULY LISTENING, and trying to understand people you disagree with that you will accomplish unity and healing. Even if you don’t like what the other person has to say.
Stepping Away from the Crushing Stress
So, why am I writing this? To vent maybe? But also, to say that I’m not going to be as active on social media as I have in the past. I’ve even considered deleting some of my social media accounts. Because with the state of my mental health I just can’t do it. I’ll still be around, of course. And you can still email me. ColitisNinja.org is not going anywhere. And yes! I’m still going to be working on Guts of Fury because I believe in the project. Maybe I’ll start giving my newsletter updates again. You can sign up here for those. But social media has become a source of stress and despair for me. For my sanity, I have to step away.
My Source of Hope and Peace
Please bear with me now as I tell you where I HAVE found hope. I’ve never been overly outspoken in my personal religious faith. But I have never balked when being asked about it either. I even WELCOME people to ask me if they’d like because my faith is one of my absolute favorite topics. I have found my biggest source of comfort and peace from my faith in Jesus. I have found a source of hope and comfort in reading my Bible and in prayer. I look forward to connecting with new friends, too. Because I miss that. More than I thought I would. God was right when he said people weren’t meant to be alone. Life is too harsh and too difficult to traverse. But thank God he didn’t leave us alone. And we do have hope.
If you disagree with me about anything, I’m ok with that. I welcome it. I won’t try to “cancel” you and I’m here to listen. Because we all need people we can count on. People who won’t cut you off just because they don’t see eye-to-eye. As stated before, I don’t care who you are, what you believe or what color your skin is. I love you anyway. Because Christ first loved me… an imperfect, sinful human being who was saved by GRACE. And He loves you, too.
