NOTE: This post is intended for patients 18 years or older. If you are under the age of 18, please do not continue reading and talk with your parents. Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or healthcare professional. As always, please consult your doctor or healthcare professional. Do not rely on my experiences as medical advice. To read my disclaimer in full, click here.
Introduction
Intimacy is a topic that I have been asked about multiple times throughout my blogging “career.” While I believe it is an extremely important topic that concerns many patients, there are a few things I need to address first.
I do not feel comfortable offering any type of advice on the subject for many reasons. First, I’m not “experienced” in the area of casual sex or sex and chronic illness. Second, I believe that a person’s sex life is a very personal and private thing. I’ve never been the kind of person to “kiss and tell.” So, I hope you’re not coming here to read all the nitty gritty details. Because you won’t get them.
In this post, I will address three issues related to chronic illness and intimacy. After that, I will offer up a few tips to help you overcome those issues. (I will not be addressing pregnancy in this pos. You can read my J-Pouch & Pregnancy Q&A HERE.) I will also be listing several resources who go into more details on the topic of intimacy and IBD/J-Pouch/Ostomy. So, all that being said, HERE WE GO…
Body Image and Lack of Confidence
Most people in this world, chronic illness or not, have a low opinion of themselves–especially in the area of intimacy. We are self-conscious of our bodies by nature. There is no such thing as someone who is born with perfect physical features. We’re all flawed somewhere. Add that to all the doctored photos we see in magazines and our self-esteem drops even lower. Then, add a chronic illness and a few scars to the mix and it can be a recipe for disaster!
It doesn’t matter how strong your desire to be intimate with someone is, you are going to feel self-conscious at some point. Even after being married to my husband for twelve years now I still have body image issues.
Not Tonight, Honey… I’m Too (fill-in-the-blank).
It isn’t easy sometimes to find the energy to “get in the mood.” I totally get that, too. When you live with a chronic illness, sometimes it seems there’s always something preventing you from being intimate. Whether you’re exhausted, or nauseated, or just plain sick! Illness definitely gets in the way. Then there are some who have expressed concerns over “accidents” or bag leaks during intimacy. Believe me, you’re not alone in your fears.
Right after my takedown surgery, I would poop my pants when I was asleep. It was horribly embarrassing having to wake my husband and tell him I needed to change the sheets. Eventually I invested in adult diapers. But I digress… All this to say, EVERY patient living with a chronic illness has had trouble mustering up enough desire, energy or confidence needed to be intimate.
Does it Hurt After Surgery?
Some patients are concerned about pain after surgery. My surgeon and ostomy nurse told me to wait six weeks after each surgery before being intimate. I followed their advice, and can confidently report that I have not at any point experienced pain after surgery. Now, I understand that my experience is not everyone’s experience. From what I understand, there are some who do actually experience pain after surgery.
Solving the Problem
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my short time on this earth, it’s that there is a solution to EVERY problem. I’ve also learned that not every solution is easy or necessarily fun. But, there’s always a solution.
- Firstly, if you’re going to be intimate, it needs to be with someone you trust (preferably your spouse who has vowed to love you for better or worse!). You need someone you are comfortable being vulnerable with. Someone you can express your concerns with. In ANY relationship, the key to success is communication. Both people in the relationship need to be able to voice concerns or address issues. Both also LISTEN to the other person without any judgment, condemnation or scorn. Something else that goes hand-in-hand with communication is knowing that relationships require compromise and understanding.
- Find ways to boost your confidence. How? Get yourself some good lingerie! For those who have ostomies, I would highly recommend Ostomysecrets. I used several of their products when I had an ostomy. For everyone else, I would recommend shopping for some lingerie that makes you feel good or confident. They make lingerie for all body types–even ones that will cover up your scars if that’s what’s bothering you.
- If you are experiencing pain at any point during intimacy, there are people out there who can help you. Some people go to sex therapy. I’ve never been to a sex therapist, but they do exist! You might consider going to a regular therapist if your issue involves PTSD or confidence issues. You may need to talk to your doctor if you are experiencing pain. There is always help out there! If you feel you can’t find the right people to help you, KEEP LOOKING. Never accept that things are the way they are and there’s nothing you can do about it. I say it again, THERE IS ALWAYS HELP.
- If the person you are interested in rejects you because of your disease, ostomy or scars, they’re not worth your time. You could consider your illness as a benefit in that respect! It will help you weed out the shallow people who wouldn’t be worth pursuing anyway. Who wants to waste their time on someone who doesn’t see you for who you are? After all, you aren’t a disease. You HAVE a disease. And that’s a big difference.
Other Resources
Here is a list of resources who deal with intimacy on a deeper level…
Crohnie Bologna also has THIS POST.
My friend Shawn wrote THIS POST.
My friend Marisa wrote THIS POST.
