This weekend I’ve been dealing with self-image and a “woe-is-me” attitude. I’ve also been freaking out about every little change in my stoma, output, the appliance and my incision.
Firstly, I have NOT felt very pretty in over a year thanks to UC, the prednisone and now my surgery. UC, as many of you are fully aware, messes with your weight (I lost up to 20 lbs at one point making me look skeletal!). Then there’s the prednisone… it really hates me. It makes my hair fall out. I get the moonface. I get the steroid acne. I get a fuzzy face and a fuzzy back. My eyes look “sunken in.” It makes my belly swell (thereby making my jeans too tight for comfort). Now, because of the surgery I’m dealing with an ostomy and surgical scars.
Go ahead and call me vain. I admit it! I am vain.
I’ve been throwing pity parties. Feeling sorry for myself. I started Colitis Ninja wanting to be a positive light for others. To cheer others on. Let them know that they are not alone and that they will make it through the struggles. I wanted to push them to keep fighting and encourage them to hold on for another day. Well, this weekend I have complained. I have wallowed in my own self-pity. I have snapped at my sweet husband. I have been ready to throw in the towel. I told my husband several times that I do not know how I’m going to get through this. I am, in general, a very independent person. I like to take care of myself. I am not accustomed to feeling needy and helpless and it frustrates me to no end!
I like having a plan. Right now, I can’t plan. I don’t know how I’m going to feel from one moment to the next. Not only am I trying to recover from surgery, but I’m also dealing with a prednisone taper (currently at 10mg!). I have cried several times. I honestly just want it to end. The pain. The weakness. The sleepless nights. I know, deep down, that things will get better… but until then, here I am. Weak and nearly at breaking point.
I wish so badly that I could rush past the pain and get to the part where I feel better. Then I think about it… I know it is better this way. Toughing it out despite the pain. I believe that my suffering happens for a reason. I believe that God is using it to make me stronger that he might mold me into the person he wants to be. I believe he can use my pain to help others.
Some people question why God would allow struggles and pain. I would say without pain, sometimes we cannot “grow.” We cannot develop what we need to go through life. If we want to be good people and we want to help others who are struggling and hurting, so we too must struggle.
Take a look at baby chicks as one example. They must peck away at their shell without aid. If you help them, they will not develop the neck muscles they need to survive. The same is true for developing butterflies. When they emerge from the cocoon, they must struggle to gain enough strength for them to fly.
And so, this gives me hope. This helps me to hold fast to what I know: This struggle is giving me the strength to go forth in this life. This struggle is equipping me to help others in their struggle. The Lord has been good to me. I am truly blessed.
Wow. Thank you so much. In about 9-ish weeks, I'll have my reversal and I won't have a stoma anymore.
I get those other prednisone symptoms you mentioned as well. It really is awful.
Thank you so much for your encouragement. It is very much appreciated. 🙂 Thank you again for sharing your experience. It is very helpful to have support from people who have been there and understand. 🙂
Oh sweetie I can completely understand what is happening to you right now. While i don't have the stoma I do have a very short gut now.
The prednisone, oh every side effect you mention happens to me as well. It also gives me mood swings and swells my fingers so bad that I still can't wear my wedding band. It hurts my knees and elbows and I still have about 15 pounds of added body weight from the hungry horrors to lose.
I promise you it will get better but you have to give your body a fighting chance, surgery is trauma, major trauma. I remember lying in bed after I got home tears rolling down my face because I had to get up to go potty and I just didn't have the upper body strength to push myself up again, When my husband had to be woken up to help me and I apologized for being such a bother again, I remember just saying I want to be myself again and felt like it would never happen, but it did… One day I just got up using my own abdominal muscles, then I was standing up straighter, then it didn't hurt to cough or laugh anymore.
I don't know what my normal is yet…I know that I need to be close to a bathroom within 30 minutes of eating because I have so much less bowel things go through me at a rapid speed. I'm still trying to figure out what foods my body will accept and which ones it won't. I am finding myself every hour of every day and with each find, I am becoming the new me and it will happen to you.
Each day you will discover you did something you couldn't do the day before, celebrate that accomplishment instead of punishing yourself for what you currently can't do.
I ran a 5K road race 7 1/2 weeks after surgery. My speed was slower and my abs (especially the muscles and scar tissue under the incision) were screaming. My knees ached and my shins burned I didn't care. I ran, something I couldn't do for 4 months.