I stink. My husband has told me time and again that this is not true. He cannot “smell” me or my ostomy… but there is nothing that he can tell me to convince me otherwise. I stink and I know it.
I am so frustrated. I have a catheter and a bag of poo hanging out of my belly. I cannot shower alone. I cannot get out of bed alone. I know I’ve said all of this yesterday, but I’m having another bout of self-pity.
I want to be there for others. I want to share my story with others so that they know they are NOT alone in this fight.
I feel alone… though, deep down, I know that I’m not. I have my IBD family on Twitter (and by the way, you guys are AMAZING!). I have a good amount of support online and in real life. So many people praying for me, encouraging me and telling me it’s all going to be ok. Even with all that, though, I’m still frustrated.
I hate this feeling of helplessness. I hate this feeling of the unknown. I don’t feel attractive. I don’t feel confident. I feel sore. I feel helpless. I feel vulnerable in every way. I am bruised up from being stuck so many times with a needle. My privacy has been invaded. I’m not comfortable. I can’t go home and even if I could, I’m not sure I’d want to because I’m scared something bad will happen if I do.
Did I mention my stoma is driving me up the wall? I am literally being driven crazy by my intestines. I try to tell myself that it is really only temporary… but man am I having a hard time of it. This is gross. This is annoying. This is SO STINKING FRUSTRATING. I feel like giving up… but I can’t. If I give up, I die… I die a slow painful death.
If I fight, it will be hard and frustrating… and it may not even turn out like I’d hoped. That is also frustrating. I just want to feel normal. I just want to take care of my husband. This to me is the hardest part. Not being there for him.
He has been so good to me these past few days and there is really no way for me to make it up to him. Right now I’m just this “sick girl” that smells of poo and can’t take care of herself (he still disagrees, but I know what I am.).
Anyway… thank you for allowing me another venting session. The hospital is rough. I don’t understand some people actually wanting to be here. Don’t get me wrong! I have great nurses… but all I want to do is take care of me and my sweet husband and “rise from the ashes” of this situation that I might live a more full life. Here’s to hoping I will… Take care! Until next time, you are in my prayers.
